10 Reasons Why.


Left: tattoo of heartbeat since 10.27.2016 ; Right: tattoo of breathing since 8.14.2017

10 Reasons Why I’d End My Life:

1. I’m sick of being sick.
2. I feel stupid for taking pills so difficultly every day and night.
3. I’m hurt having people tell me how much medicine harms while it clearly helps more.
4. I’m drown by an overwhelming amount of pressure that I don’t believe I can handle.
5. I’m a functionless and costly burden to friends and families.
6. I cannot sleep having racing thoughts 24/7, even with 8 freaking sleeping pills.
7. I’m so swelling, fat, and ugly now.
8. I cannot control my unpredictable feelings and fluctuating emotions.
9. I’ve gone crazy shifting between hypomania and depression.
10. I’m ashamed of myself for basically everything.

10 Reasons Why I Must Stay Alive:

1. I’m still young.
2. I haven’t gone back to Los Angeles, my favorite home and place in the Universe.
3. I haven’t seen aurora light and ice caves, and visited more national parks.
4. I haven’t learned how to swim and swum with dolphins in the ocean.
5. I haven’t become slim again like I used to be.
6. I haven’t got engaged and taken wedding photographs at UCLA.
7. I haven’t adopted a pug named after my nickname Bubu.
8. I haven’t had babies, hopefully a baby boy before a baby girl.
9. I haven’t had my dream home and car again.
10. I haven’t been to Germany, Italy, Vienna, etc, and revisited Hawaii and Las Vegas.

10 Reasons Why I’m Enough:

1. I’ve been through hell and come out alive.
2. I didn’t take those 130+ pills or stab to kill myself last year.
3. I know to seek for help when needed.
4. I can bear failing to swallow pills again and again.
5. I see beauty in many things and strike for perfection.
6. I’m kind, generous, empathetic, strong, and resilient.
7. I don’t like giving up.
8. I managed to graduate from a truly amazing college.
9. I’m talented in language, floristry, and art.
10. I do bake some devilish butter cookies and triple chocolate cookies.

10 Reasons Why I Should Be Grateful Today:

1. I’m surrounded by love.
2. I have a very kind-hearted and patient doctor to walk through the journey with me.
3. I have many friends who truly care about me, even though I always hide myself.
4. I have dreams to fulfill when I’ve gathered enough energy someday.
5. I have a good enough contact list to depend on when I need a good listener.
6. I always have luck meeting nice random people.
7. I have a nice bedroom filled with flowers, souvenirs, postcards, and books.
8. I’ve read many beautiful and inspiring books.
9. I have way too many lovely memories to be treasured in my heart.
10. I’m a beloved and lucky girl despite my mental illness after all.

Almost Dawn, 8.15.2017


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