Rediscover Yourself.

How long haven’t you felt good about yourself?
I hope you’ll find that happy or safe place in your heart very very soon.

It’s been a really long time since I last felt normal and un-depressed, so long that I don’t remember that feeling anymore. But recently I’ve seen some great improvement in myself, and I’m quite happy about my recovery progress. I haven’t been depressed for weeks. I’ve felt productive watching shows, reading books, doing housework, and  baking too! (made cinnamon rolls yay.) I’ve started to eat clean and even do easy workout at home. And the fact that I’m updating this long-forgotten blog! I’d say I made myself pretty proud, except that I still refuse to speak to or text with anyone. People who know me must know that I go MIA all the freaking time. It’s just impossible to find me. It’s just really hard for me. God knows how many friendships I’ve thrown away and put in danger these two years. Reaching out again’s gonna be another giant step ahead, but for now I’m focusing on healing and nurturing myself first before engaging with other people and the society.

I just hope that someday when I look back at these two years of repeatedly fighting and falling, I’ll be proud that they’re not wasted. I’d often compare myself with my friends who graduated at the same time and how they’ve worked and found their place in the society already, and look back at myself seeing I’ve been jobless, introverted, and even on the edge of giving up my life for so many times. They’re incomparable. Graduating and working might be someone’s path, but graduating and recovering is my own path. I don’t think I’ll ever say “hey bipolar is awesome. everyone should get a mental illness.” Hell no. It’s wrecked me. But now that I have it, I’d say it has changed me. I’ve learned the most vulnerable side of myself. I’ve reached the lowest point of myself. I’ve dared to cheat death for many times. It sounds lame, so lame, but I think I’ve also become a little bit stronger than ever.

And medically, I managed to reduce a bit of Quetiapine, my major med in the current regime. Reducing medication definitely sounds a lot like positive progress to me. The only downside is that I can’t fall asleep at night without all those cut-off meds. Let’s hope that nothing bad will happen and depression relapse won’t hit me anytime soon. I’m very satisfied with the recovery pace right now. It really really really feels so good to be able to feel something again. So good that it actually feels strange to be true.

Now the real question comes.
Who am I when I’m not depressed or manic anymore, when I’m like normal normal, when I’m not identified by my illness and prescription, when I’m not living inside the frame? That’s an answer I’m gonna have to find out.

Continue to make yourself proud.


5:15am, 12.20.2017

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